Keepin' Up Archive

A Blog from the Garden State Warriors

October 17: It's the day before ClownDown. The current status of the Garden State Warriors is iffy. Bedford has his hip flexor and knee concerns. Jane is still sad about her Mets, her White Sox, her Marlins, etc. But at least she still has her Phillies.

The Garden State Warriors plan to rely on a combined experience of four ClownDowns, knowledge of the City and the surrounding suburbs (including Kenosha and Gary), and a sort of aura of excelllence and inevitability. Those factors combined should have teams shaking in their boots.

I am reminded of an attempt by one famous American to become better at ClownDown. Homer J. Simpson once said, "That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to Clown College!"

I've got some studying to do.

October 15: Three Days until ClownDown! I was talking with a member of Team LandRover last night. Even though I explained to her that the GSWs are the team to beat, Lola Shards was talking a pretty big game for someone who is the back-up catcher on a softball team called the Cupcakes.

October 13: Sometimes people wonder, "How would Jim Shea do in ClownDown?" You may remember that phony Jim Shea in the winter Olympics who won a gold medal in the "sport" of luge. All his jumping up and down. The antics. And the ultimate in reheared make-me-sick-isms, when he finished a race, pulled out a picture of his grandfather and jumped up and down like a jerk. What a jerk.

So, in answer to your question: Jim Shea would do horribly in ClownDown.

October 10: Webster's defines ClownDown as

--verb intrans. 1. To engage in a fast-paced race that creates an equal share of fun and frustration, but mostly fun. 2. To endeavor to accomplish a series of tasks prescribed by a Committee heretofore known as the ClownDown Committee. 3. To run or walk quickly from one task or destination to another. Ex: We all want to ClownDown, but not everyone can.

-- verb trans. 1. To bring about a ClownDown on a geography or citizenry. Ex: We hope to out ClownDown all the other teams.

-- noun. 1. An event involving an entire weekend of ClownDowning. 2. A bundle of sticks.

[Etym: Latin clownare (to clown) and Downius-a-um (down or in a downward direction)]

October 6: I had a good weekend. The Cubs are finished, so there are no traffic snarls near mi casa.

The Red Sox failed to clinch. But all I'm hoping for there is a two-team players' strike. I have one word for those two teams: "Get out of my division!"

Enough about America's pastime. ClownDown is near. I think it's amusing that all the other teams offer an answer to "Why they'll win" when the Garden State Warriors are the only team with a chance.

October 3: I don't know if any of you watched the VP candidates' debate last night or the first Presidential candidates' debate last week? I did not watch because I play in 11 different softball leagues. But I am furious over both sides' refusal to discuss issues surrounding ClownDown.

Enough of my ranting and raving. ClownDown Eve is only 2 weeks away. The GSWs have their uniforms picked out. We've also been carbo-loading, laying off the beer, doing stretches to prevent injury, and employing the services of a sports psychologist.

September 26: Last year the Garden State Warriors wore New York baseball jerseys. Jane bizarrely wore a Mets shirt, and I wore a Yankees shirt. One would think that she would have worn a shirt of a team that's won the World Series more recently than 1986 when the Amazin's came back against the Red Sox. Oh, well. We realized that the Queens and Bronx mix served us well when we were first to arrive at the second-to-last stop of the race. With only a large stein of beer and a quarter-mile sprint ahead of us, we knew this would be the first time two Jerseyans would take the title by a slim 2 minutes.

These memories have me looking forward to ClownDown eve's happy hour, when Clowns from near and far gather to pick up t-shirts, have a drink, and talk some friendly smack. Can you say, "Repeat?"

September 25: One of my favorite ClownDown memories came from ClownDown '06. Jack and I were on the home stretch. As we had done earlier in the event, we made a non-compete deal with Team Kelly and Anne: "If you walk, we'll walk." We were tired, you see. So we were behind them by 50 yards or so, and we noticed they looked like they were going to be heading north on Clark, rather than the correct south. Opportunity does not always come knocking like this during ClownDown. So we continued to walk and trail the girls. As they crossed Waveland to head north, on Jack's cue we pretended to sprint after them. Within a moment or two we realized our scheme worked. Once they heard us coming, they took off in full sprint mode - heading the wrong way on Clark! When Jack and I reached Clark we headed south and that secured our 17th place finish!

September 24: No blog entry today. A day of mourning because it is now definite: the Yankees will not make it to the post-season for the first time since 1993 (or 1994, depending on how you do your accounting). Don't worry about me. I'll be ok.

September 19: Yesterday I bought some running shorts. I thought they might come in handy for Clowning. I forgot one thing though: ClownDown is later than in previous years. It might be cooler than the ideal temp for lightweight running shorts - as measured in Fahrenheit or Celsius or on the Kelvin scale.

September 23: Have you ever wondered what the name ClownDown means or where it comes from. Well, nobody knows for certain but it is believed to have been invented by Erich Patten for the purpose of a pub crawl that never happened. The name was preserved, though!

I was asked today, "Bedford, what are my chances in ClownDown?" I hate to say this, but with the Garden State Warriors going for the repeat, another team's chance is slimmer than the estimated 0.2% chance for the Yankees catching the Red Sox.

September 18, 2008: As a 3-time ClownDown participant and 1-time champion, the Garden State Warriors are often asked about which out-of-town team is likely to do well in the overall category. The answer is the speedy duo comprising Parker Posey Film Society. So if you see them out there during the race, consider sweeping a knee.

Other advice: Don't hold back on showing off your moves in a dance/art/cultural activity that reigns from the country/countries of your ancestry. You know you got 'em, folks will catch up with you if you're too "shy" to display them immediately.

Drinking is much faster than any food/noshing option.

If a ClownDown destination is equidistant between 2...ooooh no, can't give that one away.

Be fans of rival baseball/professional sports league teams. Hatred is more effective than indifference when making decisions!

September 17, 2008: Hello, prospective ClownDown participants. I am starting a blog today to share with all of you how I am preparing to help spur the Garden State Warriors to a repeat victory.

I am often asked, "Bedford, what can I do to be a better Clown?" The answer is simple: be late a lot. That way you'll be rushing to run or to catch a bus, thus simulating ClownDown conditions.